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It’s been a while. like a year or so. a lot has changed. I have an amazing girlfriend who would do just about anything for me. if only my life would get on track. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with chiari malformation. to sum it up I have a small head big brain that sits to far into the back of my head. I have to go to surgery and have part of my skull removed to relieve the excess pressure that builds up from the lack of space. in nervous a bit scared but relieved, I have an answer to the pain, the endless migraines/headaches whatever they are. an answer to why im so damn tired, an answer to the sleep issues breathing issues. it can be a change for the good, I just need to get there. I do the best I can to think positive when really every day I feel is my last. I feel lost and have no control, my motivation slips away. sometimes I just want to scrawl away from everyone and everything. I live a life full of randomness and issues. never-ending bad luck it’s as if I am meant to suffer and all around me suffer. but still I try to move on and do what I must. im rambling on as usual but thats the way my head is. too much happens with not enough reactions.

Some nights I lay awake and wonder why do I feel the way I do. why am I living this life in this body. my head spirals to understand, I shake it off because the thought of not really being alive is just too much to handle. they say everyone has a true purpose. what is mine. I watch others find their paths and make their way. my path is unclear with uncertainties with the certainty that there will be pain and self-destruction. im not looking for pity or for anyone to care. I just need to get my thoughts out. I wonder will I ever fit in or will I just be the extra. I have potential and goals but i lack that extra skills needed to make it through. its like im not meant to be. i work with teens, apparently im great and i can build rapport very well and run great groups but im missing something. im a great counselor who understands the system but im missing something. i am always a step behind. when will i catch up? i like to think that im meant to help others. so i pursue a career in law enforcement. they are not hiring. i get my emt license and no one is hiring. i work with at risk youth my funding got cut. when is my time ? 

my life is complicated, a mid 20′s dike, ive lost more people to overdose suicide homicide disease than any other person in my life. every week is something, sickness, stress, medical, family. ive been homeless hungry angry and depressed. im an inspiration to some a miracle to few, a mess to many. i love others and in turn get hurt. i suppress my feelings because no one gives a shit.

anyway I truly just rambled on and on. im  on an overnight with a guy who does this regular shift. he is snoring its annoying ive woken him up a million times he just laughs and does it again. its crazy he goes home and sleeps i get a nap then off to work. no real rest for me. the morning will be crazy. one of the teens locked her door and closed it. the management has the only key and are taking their sweet time making copies of the key. she thought she was smart locking us out. low and behold she sleeps with her ipod on, we managed to get in and took her door. she is going to be pissed in the morning. im sure she will scream and wake everyone up. ah well thats my life.

late night

so here i am, working an overnight. i am sooo tired i dont want to be here i hate my job but i have no choice to work. my cousin cant get a job he is depressed and out of options. my gf is only part time work and full time school. she is depressed and now stuck in a second life non reality world. everything is heading in bad directions. work is just crazy its been over a year and i have yet to receive my raise nor my promotion. they keep giving me self evaluations, wtf its all the  same bs. other people got theres before me. its stupid i was a case manager making nothing they wanted me to do a bunch of shit with  lots of pressure with no pay increase. thats fucked what motivation is there… none. why the hell should i bend over backwards, there uis no overtime and it cost more to get to work than its worth. what do they care, i only gave a few ligaments and a bone. they ask for help and i still try. whats the point i take on overnight shifts that are 10 hrs long i live an hour away i expect to leave on time. but as life would have it i never leave on time and i end up doing transports. thats just not safe, driving with kids really tired i might as well come in drunk. last week i did two overnights starting at 11 and didnt leave until noon. by the time i get out i cant see the road. i could see if i was a full time overnight and that was it bit im not i have to change my sleep schedule in less than a day then go bsck to normal. like today i worker from 7am -noon went home showered went to my other job from 1-6 went to physical tehrapy from 7-8pm then got home at like 830 ish layed down til 10 got up and came here now i work till hopefully just 9 get home by 1030 sleep till 12 shower work 1-6 then pt at 7. so really im screwed… so screwed. then today i was told to sign up on the holiday scehdule. here is how that works a month ago a schedule goes out with dates and shifts its given by seniority im number 3. so its gone through about 10 or 12 people. hmmm fuck that nothing is open im not doing it thats just not right i have been here longer so ifthey wanted me to work they should have put my name on the list and given it to me a month ago before i made plans for my holidays. aaaaaaah im soo annoyed. i just want shit to go right. i need my bills to get paid we need oil in our house and food. we have none, maybe a little bit of oatmeal 1 box of mac and cheese, a lil pasta and canned vegetables. im sick if starving im sick of making decisions such as what bill can i pay instead of paying all or hmm do i get gas or food ? its not cool its not right. but off course i will pay the bills before i eat im all set with being homeless again or letting my family be homeless. i dunno what more can i say life just sux ass and it feels like it will never be better

change

been a while things have changed a bit. my house is in shambles, my cousin was supposed to start his new job but they didnt call him back. bills have been tight. he is wicked depressed and broke. his gf keeps saying she will move and doesnt, its driving him nuts. he is soo lonely i hate seeing him like this. its hard he walks around so depressed and there is nothing to help. he is on the verge of a breakdown. my girlfriend has been in a spiralled depression. its been hard we always fight over stuff. anything and almost everything. we once fought about me not wanting to drive her at the crack ass of dawn to the train station to then drive back the opposite directions in traffic to then drive in more traffic, and its not because i didnt want to drive her i just didnt want to do more driving that is not neccesasary.  i hate fighting. i hate it. she thinks i dont want to touch her. really im just as depressed as everyone. and when we fight i cant just go and cuddle and be all better. i love her i really do. im sensitive and i hate feeling like shit. it seems like everything i do is wrong, evereything i say is an attitide. i try and be sympathetic. i know its a rough time for her i totally understand. but its hard when she isolates from the world, i just dont know what to do. when i do sit with her i end up saying things to try and make her feel better but they end up turning into me feeling like ass after. i can never say anything right. her bipolar has definately increased. very quick mood swings, her depression is high. i just dont know what to do? a few fights ago she pretty much said she cant handle whats going on and is about to leave. that makes me wicked nervous. it hurts its a smack in the face… the worst part is i am slipping in my own depression. im very slowly turning numb. numb to the world. i dont want to be like this. i need to get my ass out of this shitty feeling. i just need a  few days of peace and calm with no one bitching, no one moody, no one upset, nothing. i include myself in this. but seriously something has to change something has to get better.

been a while heres whats up

so its def been a while. life is eh, thats all i can say about it is eh. i moved into a house in a much better place with my cousin and becca. becca came home from PA in better space than whn she was in. the bad thing is she is smoking, it drives me nuts, i hate it. she started back at apple today. my cousin just got a new position working as an emt in the north shore area. im still broken so i was promoted to a clinical case manager. its really a nice title for super office bitch. im awaiting surgery to correct my acl. due to lack of communication between workers comp and my doctor surgery has to wait till september 11th. such a nice day to go under a knife, boy i cant wait. the day after my birthday i completed the civil service exam. hopefully scores will come out in the next few months. and since the system takes for ever to call people back and assuming they will call me i should have enough time to heal from surgery regain strength and start my training. im def nervous about the whole situation, this is my dream job ad an acl tear is no joke and tends to re-tear. i also have never had surgery so im wicked nervous about that. what if it goes wrong ya know. shit like that seems to happen to me. i really want to get it over with heal correctly and work and get back on my feet .. ha ha literally. im nervous for a lot of things. unfortunately it all stems down to money. i have more expenses than i do money. its hard. its starting to stress me out more than it used to. mainly because i lost my overtime and to get a part time job it would be a bit difficult with the healing BS. Ive been having wicked chest pains. im not sure but im willing to bet its the stress. shit just piles on. i have rent, utilities, heat , phone, my car is shitting out and i just dont have it. my cats need constant medical attention. life is just too much. when i bring t up to people i get the same answer “just budget your money” really that only goes so far. i budget, i stopped eating when im not home unless its a need that cant wait. i dont buy coffee while at work anymore, i never buy gum or soda or stupid shit. my money goes to my house. food for everyone, gas money. occasionally i cheat and throw in a coffee here or there, shit i earn it. i bust my ass everyday and im in constant pain. i try to not complain and try and enjoy my days. its hard. its harder going home and everyone is just upset and stressing. i walk in the door and sometimes im swarmed with “this happened today, did you do this, did you do that, you  forgot this, you will not believe …”  really i just want to show up and relax… relax and try and let stress go. work is stressful enough, driving in traffic sux ass i just think of all the bullshit so when i get home i want to chill. im constantly tired and sleep like shit i wake up every hour to every couple hours. so really something has got to give because im spent to the end, my moods are shot my emotions are getting wild. im starting to not give a shit, and this i am not okay with. and really i dont want to explain myself to anyone, i just want to relax and work through this and enjoy my life. god knows ive earned.

2 seconds to complain

here i go. my chest hurts my head is pounding. my knee feels like someone is banging on it with a hammer. im packing and have 0 energy to finish. tomorrow i move, tomorrow i somehow have to move in 3 hrs. there are only three of us and im crippled. im not sure how its going to work im praying that i dont blow out my knee cuz really i just cant manage that. on the bright side i got a relief job and i should start in the next 2 3 weeks. it will be a little extra money god knows i need it. k back to more packing

serves me right

so some how i manage to be that lovely asshole that i am. i do sweet things a little too late. she had a kinda bad day at work and was feeling lonely. i decided to stay home and cook. i learned how to make spanish platanos and how to cook tasty rice and a nice chilli looking sauteed meat fruit and vegetable thing that tastes the balls. it was nice i spent time with my cousin who is up from new york. we had a really nice heart to heart conversation. we chatted about our past. he was there for a lot of my abuse and knows what i went through. stories from me mean nothing cuz he was there he felt it watched it. it was nice to process that and talk about where we want our relationships to be and so on. it was kinda therapeutic if you will. but back to where i was. i feel bad it was a hard decision to make. im sure it didnt make her feel any better. i feel like an ass for it. i love her to death and i never want her to feel not loved and not appreciated. sometimes i feel unworthy. like im just making her feel worse. cuz really im siting here by myself. i kicked everyone out, i wanted some alone time with her since we both have a busy day tomorrow her more than me. but im too late. i hurt her and she had no motivation to want to rush home to me. i cant say i blame her. i am an ass. i really wanted to lay and cuddle and try and have her taste my food and if not make her something. i took my meds and preserved energy cuz i wanted to hold her as she falls asleep. nope i ruined it. right nowshe is at her friends. although im glad she gets to see her friends im selfish and want her  with me. whatever serves me right to sit alone. i so deserve this. im guessing this is why all my exes broke up with me and other people wont date me. ima great friend lousy lover. i guess i deserve to be alone and miserable. she deserves someone better than me. i dont want to loose her but i just cant figure out what im doing wrong until shit happens. i constantly look mad when im not. i dont say how i feel when i should. when i do i say it all wrong and it comes off retarded. i cant seem to do anything right. im like hopeless. i wouldnt be surprised if she left me. thats what i deserve. if that happens im done. no more dating. i will be alone for a while. at that point it definitely means its me. not everyone else.

whatever im gonna go do some cleaning up. then lay down. imgoing to see john tomorrow then possible shopping with mom. hopefully i can spend time with becca and my cousin. we will see.  

my head

my head has been hurting throughout today and last night, ive taken like 800 mg of ibuprofen and it still hurts. and i feel nauseous. this sucks.

its not fair

so yeah. sometimes i swear I’m an asshole but i don’t do it on purpose. lets analyze.

1. Becca – she tries to tell me how she feels. i shut down and the smallest thing and make everything worse. i don’t give her the attention she truly deserves. i take my anger out on her its not fair.

2. Peter – he needs my help and needs company. but sometimes i just don’t have the attention span to listen. but damn if something goes bad i would regret it. like today i came back from my errands and just wanted to relax. he kept talking about some author, i really don’t know what he was saying, all i wanted to do was sit in silence. i really need to pay more attention to him. its not fair.

3. mom – she needs me to be up front and spend time with her. i must say with my stress and lack of mobility and since i was the first to give her any attention and care, i feel burnt. shes my mother and without my help she will fall back to the disease that controlled our lives. the alcohol will win. i need to sit with her talk with her. get her to be stable. she can do it but she is just like me. hell I’m her daughter, a spitting image of her. we both can do things without guidance but feel more secure with others around. some say its laziness. but that’s really not it. we are just insecure, we will wait till the last second and go full force. its almost as if we make things harder for ourselves, our unconscious mind does it on purpose but we truly don’t mean to do that. i need to help her help herself. i don’t give her enough. its not fair.

4. shanel – she is falling fast. has been in a vicious cycle of depression. she has that middle child syndrome i swear it. always competing against me, but not really in a competition with me. she has been making really poor decisions and ends with the statement “I’m going to just hang myself” when the consequences arrive. instead of being supportive like i should. i just attack and say shit like, “well why would you do that, its your fault”. i’m such an ass. she needs someone to help her organize her finances. she needs a becca. unfortunately i’m not being a good sister. it’s not fair.

those really arent good examples but trust me i can be an ass. i care so much but i’m so mean. i deserve all the shit that goes bad for me.

on a positive note. i am going to try and be better. for everyone. i dont like being this way. i dont want to ruin my relationships. i have a great family, great friends, and bonus a great girlfriend. i have all the motivation just need the guidance.

my girlfriend has a look

my girlfriend has many looks. one is the “i want you”, another “im gonna cut a bitch”, another “im thinking”, another “im so lost”. each one is amazing in its own way. obviously im a huge fan of the “i want you” or another that says plain and simple “hi”. that one is so cute, its this lil smile and a wink. it gets me everytime. today marks our 3 month. its crazy that its only 3 months. were at a time where its like in our 3 months how far have we come. to many this is a stupid thing to think about but in our case we are unique. so early we were faced with a huge issue. it was me. i got hurt in work and cant walk. she immediately showed me her true side. it was full of love, understanding, and caring. she has been taking care of me and my family along with dealing with her own issues school and work. i never thank her enough or show her how much i appreciate her. i really do. it means alot to me for her to be so involved in my life. but, its draining her and forcing her to loose what little time she has to herself. she repeatedly tells me she does it because she cares and wants to. but the fact is she is burnt out. it shows. she is the most amazing edition to my life. in the  months she has seen me at my worst. and im sure this is the worst that i have been. the future who knows lol. i have seen her super frustrated side. and yes she sad some real hurtful things. but shit she is stressed. i mean what the hell is a few hurting words compared to all of the loving and supporting words and actions. she apologized. i know there is more to come butits ok. we will work through it. im willing and im pretty sure she is. she is trying i know she doesnt mean the bad things. plus who knows maybe thats the worst she can get. if thats the case im golden. going through this and sticking with it will make our relationship wicked strong. we have accomplished so much in the 3 months. so really if anyone was to say anything bad about our relationship, well then they can go fuck themselves because at the end of the day i am loved and i love. becca and i ad a short conversation the other day about if we are moving to fast. really the answer that anyone else would say is yes. but we are circumstantial. we are not 17. we are adults with adult issues. we both have huge hearts. she is a type A personality i am a type B. together we cover the boundaries of love. i can honestly say with all the shit going wrong these days i am happy with our relationship. i feel stronger with her. she treats me right and believes in me. she is great and loves my family. my family loves her. there is no greater sign. so being with all this i will do my best to not fuck it up. i will listen to her stand beside her as long as possible. if it doesnt work our then i know i will not regret her because i know i will fight to keep her in my life. she is worth every pain ever tear ever cent every smile.

My dream

i had the worst time sleeping last night i was up until like 5. every time id fall asleep it would last all of five minutes. when i did sleep i had this weird dream. i could remember bits and pieces of it but not to much. Becca woke up and helped me get meds for my migraine. i shortly fell asleep. i woke up and no one was around. i finally remembered the dream from last night. it was like i was following myself. i was walking down a dark road. i kept hearing creepy voices animal sounds etc. i couldnt control my movements. as i walked down the road i could see into windows and watch people smile and laugh. all i did was walk. i remember it was cold and i swear i could feel the chills up my back. the further i walked down the road the darker it got and the less  windows of happy people there were. at the end of the road i had a choice. go left or right. they looked the same so i went left. i turned around and the road i was originally on was gone, it just disappeared along with the road that went right. it sucked, i had that feeling like i should have went right and now it was too late. i turned around and something ran by me. it ran so fast i couldnt see what it really was. almost ghostly like. i started to walk faster my heart beating faster and harder. ahead of me i could hear the echo of my name “shy” followed by the sound of a deep breath. the road had beat up houses stores and apartments. none looked familiar. between the building were alleyways, they freaked me out if you looked down them you could see eyes glowing in the dark. i heard my name again. i looked forward  there was a common area like place. inside this common was a huge tree and a broken patio. i walked near it and the closer i got the more i heard my name. the voice got deeper and shouted more and more. i walked near the tree. i saw a noose. the voice stopped i turned to walk away again something ran past me. it felt like it went through me this time it not only was a ghostly figure it was two black eyes. i freaked out and slipped back. at this point i fell through the broken patio and down into some sort of dug out area. almost like what you would see before a funeral. i hard my name again but it was dark. i saw no one. it felt like hours going by. i tried to get out. i even threw rocks at the noose in hopes that the rope would fall. the pit area was at least ten  feet deep ten feet wide.  i would climb and climb but kept falling. the sun was from the horizon made an almost reddish purple light that would shine over the pit but yet inside still dark. i would get closer to the top and hear my name. i fell again.  the sun was all the way into the sky i looked around, i was surrounded by these beastly looking things. they looked like black demons with black eyes chanting my name. i was so scared i couldnt scream i just climbed and climbed. they tried to pull me down. i got out and ran, i left the common area and stopped to catch my breath. i noticed that the tree no longer had a noose around it and the patio started to reform itself. as the sun shed light to the roads buildings started to shine and fix. it was weird i continued to walk and people started to move about. my name was no longer shouted, no one noticed me. i was dirty i didn’t it, i looked tired but no one noticed. at one point a man and his daughter walked right through me. at that point i realized i was dead.