been a while heres whats up
so its def been a while. life is eh, thats all i can say about it is eh. i moved into a house in a much better place with my cousin and becca. becca came home from PA in better space than whn she was in. the bad thing is she is smoking, it drives me nuts, i hate it. she started back at apple today. my cousin just got a new position working as an emt in the north shore area. im still broken so i was promoted to a clinical case manager. its really a nice title for super office bitch. im awaiting surgery to correct my acl. due to lack of communication between workers comp and my doctor surgery has to wait till september 11th. such a nice day to go under a knife, boy i cant wait. the day after my birthday i completed the civil service exam. hopefully scores will come out in the next few months. and since the system takes for ever to call people back and assuming they will call me i should have enough time to heal from surgery regain strength and start my training. im def nervous about the whole situation, this is my dream job ad an acl tear is no joke and tends to re-tear. i also have never had surgery so im wicked nervous about that. what if it goes wrong ya know. shit like that seems to happen to me. i really want to get it over with heal correctly and work and get back on my feet .. ha ha literally. im nervous for a lot of things. unfortunately it all stems down to money. i have more expenses than i do money. its hard. its starting to stress me out more than it used to. mainly because i lost my overtime and to get a part time job it would be a bit difficult with the healing BS. Ive been having wicked chest pains. im not sure but im willing to bet its the stress. shit just piles on. i have rent, utilities, heat , phone, my car is shitting out and i just dont have it. my cats need constant medical attention. life is just too much. when i bring t up to people i get the same answer “just budget your money” really that only goes so far. i budget, i stopped eating when im not home unless its a need that cant wait. i dont buy coffee while at work anymore, i never buy gum or soda or stupid shit. my money goes to my house. food for everyone, gas money. occasionally i cheat and throw in a coffee here or there, shit i earn it. i bust my ass everyday and im in constant pain. i try to not complain and try and enjoy my days. its hard. its harder going home and everyone is just upset and stressing. i walk in the door and sometimes im swarmed with “this happened today, did you do this, did you do that, you forgot this, you will not believe …” really i just want to show up and relax… relax and try and let stress go. work is stressful enough, driving in traffic sux ass i just think of all the bullshit so when i get home i want to chill. im constantly tired and sleep like shit i wake up every hour to every couple hours. so really something has got to give because im spent to the end, my moods are shot my emotions are getting wild. im starting to not give a shit, and this i am not okay with. and really i dont want to explain myself to anyone, i just want to relax and work through this and enjoy my life. god knows ive earned.
