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It’s been a while. like a year or so. a lot has changed. I have an amazing girlfriend who would do just about anything for me. if only my life would get on track. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with chiari malformation. to sum it up I have a small head big brain that sits to far into the back of my head. I have to go to surgery and have part of my skull removed to relieve the excess pressure that builds up from the lack of space. in nervous a bit scared but relieved, I have an answer to the pain, the endless migraines/headaches whatever they are. an answer to why im so damn tired, an answer to the sleep issues breathing issues. it can be a change for the good, I just need to get there. I do the best I can to think positive when really every day I feel is my last. I feel lost and have no control, my motivation slips away. sometimes I just want to scrawl away from everyone and everything. I live a life full of randomness and issues. never-ending bad luck it’s as if I am meant to suffer and all around me suffer. but still I try to move on and do what I must. im rambling on as usual but thats the way my head is. too much happens with not enough reactions.
Some nights I lay awake and wonder why do I feel the way I do. why am I living this life in this body. my head spirals to understand, I shake it off because the thought of not really being alive is just too much to handle. they say everyone has a true purpose. what is mine. I watch others find their paths and make their way. my path is unclear with uncertainties with the certainty that there will be pain and self-destruction. im not looking for pity or for anyone to care. I just need to get my thoughts out. I wonder will I ever fit in or will I just be the extra. I have potential and goals but i lack that extra skills needed to make it through. its like im not meant to be. i work with teens, apparently im great and i can build rapport very well and run great groups but im missing something. im a great counselor who understands the system but im missing something. i am always a step behind. when will i catch up? i like to think that im meant to help others. so i pursue a career in law enforcement. they are not hiring. i get my emt license and no one is hiring. i work with at risk youth my funding got cut. when is my time ?
my life is complicated, a mid 20′s dike, ive lost more people to overdose suicide homicide disease than any other person in my life. every week is something, sickness, stress, medical, family. ive been homeless hungry angry and depressed. im an inspiration to some a miracle to few, a mess to many. i love others and in turn get hurt. i suppress my feelings because no one gives a shit.
anyway I truly just rambled on and on. im on an overnight with a guy who does this regular shift. he is snoring its annoying ive woken him up a million times he just laughs and does it again. its crazy he goes home and sleeps i get a nap then off to work. no real rest for me. the morning will be crazy. one of the teens locked her door and closed it. the management has the only key and are taking their sweet time making copies of the key. she thought she was smart locking us out. low and behold she sleeps with her ipod on, we managed to get in and took her door. she is going to be pissed in the morning. im sure she will scream and wake everyone up. ah well thats my life.
